Restrictions

I set so much rules to myself...
I've always lived in modesty, in restriction...
I kept myselt to this ascetic, austere life for whole my life.

Why? I do not know.
How was I able to do it? I do not know either.
Maybe I am born like this...

There are times I fantasize myself doing whatever I want, but it never happens.
It never happens - whether I am sober or not...

I sometimes feel sad for myself for missing all...
But then whenever I ask myself questions like,

"Are you the person worthy of it?"
"Have you achieved that gives you right to get this award?"

My answer is always "NO"...
That's why I never do something that is not to reasonable...
Or that would make ONLY me feel good...

I always tell myself that one day, I will let myself do whatever I want,
but I don't think that day would never come...
I don't think I will ever be somebody that satisfies oneself.

But I really hope that I would have some time to say whatever i want,
do whatever I want...

But of course no... There are pre-requisites and consequences....
I am sorry to myself...
I just hope that someday I will be someone who can satisfy others' needs...