TOW the Opportunist

Maybe I am an opportunist...

3:00 am, and I am trying to give myself a satisfying reason why I have to go against my heart for a while...

I did have hard but short time to make new friends in the new environment, and I just might have hurt one of them badly...

and I could not lie either because I am a no good liar...
I am just a really bad person right now...
and really sorry for her...

I just would like to make a promise with the SF that whatever harm I did, I am willing to give more good by 100 times in the future by helping more people after I become somebody I want to be...

I just tell myself that I am not in the position of helping people right now, because I am mainly being helped these days...
Although, that does not mean that I could be bad...

but I think I have been bad today...
so sorry for Meng...

Sigh... I am so pitiful... pathetic...
If I had studied English harder, if I had been so confident with my English,
I might not have made the decision I made...

All my fault...
because I didn't study hard enough for English...
So stupid...

I tell myself, I can't risk not getting high grades because it's costing too much for my parents and relatives for me to be here... yes, I nod on that...but that does not mean that I maybe behave immorally...

Ah, where is the empathy that Hume talked about that I was so attached?

I just tell myself, and the SF, that someday, I am going to help much and much more...
and I just tell myself that it's not the time yet...

But still... it's really horrible...

It's something I could have drinks for, but I am not even position to do that either... Ah, things are going wrong this week...

If it's sunny tomorrow,
I just want to go to see ocean
and feel the wind
and forget what I did today...

Ah... Why did I have to do such things?
Why was I so stupid not studying while I had to?

...Cold wind beat me hard yesterday and tonight... there were reasons...