When I think about those great mathematicians, I tend to think of one thing.That is, most of them were bachelors, eccentric, and some were even crazy.
A number of mathematical geniuses were dead in their youth. That is why, I seldom feel that if I don't make something in early twenties, I feel I would never discover or even write a simple thesis on mathematics.
With all the worries, I, then, began to read books about mathematicians, about their lives and social activities. However, in reading those kinds of books, what I most felt is that those mathematicians’ lives were dominated by solitude, alienation, despair, loneliness, eccentricity, and very unique personality – although I often, also, discovered their humane nature, innocent humor, and care for other people.
I do seldom feel all those feelings, and I do think that I will live a life like those ones. It's not that I have great ability like all those great mathematicians and make a great theorem, I just think that living like them would suit me better than any other way. Despite the fact that I do not know that if that would be freedom or tragedy…
However, to think over, I am very much used to the fact that I am alone - alone both in pursuing certain knowledge and in lifestyle. Having been alone without much people around me for whole my life...
That is why, I seldom fear to study mathematics. Yet, this is something that I am so acquainted with (although I doubt if I have any ability in mathematics). Maybe this is the reason why I cannot stop mathematics.
Out of blue, I think of a saying...
"Life is as heavy as a mountain, death is as light as a feather."
Can I prove that statement mathematically? Do I really want it? Do I really want this? Whatever I ask, I think I perhaps is a person who can never leave mathematics.
Yet, as long as I have the Pythagoras’s Theorem and Fundamental Theorem of Arithmetic in my brain, I will always be a fake mathematician.
When can I be a real mathematician?
