There was one time in my short life,
I was so stressed, I had a constant chest pain for several weeks.
It was mainly because of stress from the fact that I am not as good as I thought I would be.
But, somehow, with help of continuous reflections, I got over it.
That made a new "I",
and that new "I" was somehow accentuated by one big difference with the old "I," which isa very optimistic and positive look/behavior.
I try to smile all the time, laugh loud.
I try to joke a lot, and make people laugh a lot, too.
That's why sometimes I feel that I am trying too hard.
And some jokes come out not apropos.
For all my life, I have been so pessimistic especially about how my life was going,
and I have been trying my best to change that for several years.
And the solution that I got for myself was that
even if it may be difficult and I could be more negative inside,
I don't want to show it and keep the outer "I" positive,
hoping that the positive "I" would influence my negative "I".
So far, it's been working most of the time.
I can shake offmost ofthe unfavorable events easily.
And I have been focusing my energy to make people happy.
At least, I want to see people around me laugh and smile.
That's where all my focus was,
and I try my best to be nonchalant on whatever was going on me.
But there are times often so many things happened,
the pessimistic and negative "I" overwhelms.
It's just hard... Only a few people know about it, and would understand it.
It might hard to believe for many people that there were times smiling to other people was so hard and awkward for me.
And it still shows from time to time nowadays...
But I know, with the way how I trained myself to be,
whatever I feel tonight, I will forget by the time I wake up tomorrow morning.
And I will be able to smile, even if that is a very superficial smile.
But there is one thing so permanent with me.
It's that I know I won't be as lucky and happy as people around me...
Maybe being indifferent about my misfortunes and trying to be happy (at least outside) is some kinda mechanism I built for my own good and it could be me trying to justify that what I am doing is tryingfor thegoodof others.
However, whatever the reason I give, I feel good about what I have been trying to do. Because in the end, it would be good for everyone around me, and if lucky - which has not been with me - it could be good for me, too.
