Come to think of it, I should not have a moment of easiness.
I do feel comfortable under pressure and pain. It sounds very controversial, but it is how things are going in and outside of me.
Feeling easiness brings the hidden laziness and unbearable stupidity hidden inside me, and it makes me to regret for a long time.
Yes, I don't easily get over unfortunate incidents... They haunt me all the time.
Come to think of it, I should be urgent of everything.
I might be living a stressful life, but it seems to be the only way where everything will be stable - stable so that I can be someone I am supposed to be.
I will not say I want to be... The picture of "want" inside me is very obscure now, and it is for years, I thought it was shaping well, but it's obscure again.
Why?
Because I feel at ease... I am taking classes only I want, the mathematics only I like, and I do what I like... I need someone to provide me urgency, I need something...
At least, while I am surfing and blogging, although I might be at ease - yes, hours are spent without knowingly - but I think I can review my life and thoughts better while even reading political issues...
I likedto stroll incampusalone because I think of things while exercising, whether they make me grieve or not...
However, now that I spend most of the time in gym with all the noise and TV's (which I am very weak to neglect), the only time for my reflection is when I am blogging... and writing something like this...
Reflect, and I also do the secondary reflection. I think most of the reflections of my life I have are the secondary reflections (referred to Gabriel Marcel). Yes, I drive myself harshly, and I can't get enough of it.
I can't concentrate to things now...
I should bang my head more, and bleed more...
Whatever takes, I should accomplish my vocation... vocation as God's calling...
