I think I hit the wall - physically and mentally.
Had a chance to think about my current being as I was left alone in the office early today.
The conclusion I reached makes so much sense now - how needy and cranky I have been since last Friday.
I have been feeling down and low since last Friday afternoon and everything was as if it had fallen into the abyss since then.
This happens once in a while.
I think it's normal for something like this to happen especially in my case.
I work 9 hours a day at least, drive 2 hours a day, and study as much as I can.
Or at least I try to study the whole time except my sleeping hours, which amount to at most 5 hours a day.
I kinda know what triggered this whole thing, too.
But it doesn't matter why it happened.
The thing is my body and mind have taken so many hits over time.
The last time I felt this much uncomfortable and cranky of every little thing around me was last year, before I went on the Utah/Yellow Stone trip.
Now, I feel that much stressed...
And every event since last Friday has been making my well-being worse and worse.
I could find something negative in every event happened since then.
But this is such a bad timing...
I just professed my feelings - it was something I have been planning for like two weeks, so I just proceeded;
I am 6 weeks away from a very important exam;
and my workload is building up...
But since last Friday, all I could think about was that I just want to very unorthodox.
Every evening, I just want to empty all my wine bottles (but I never even touch them);
Everyday, I just want to go away somewhere alone (well, I am here all alone so if I go somewhere, I'd be by myself... but of course I stick to things I am entitled to do),
Every night, I daydream about going to several places: Utah, Avila Beach, etc.
(But can't go to Utah since it could lead to negative externalities since JYK is busy through May [and I don't want to disturb her and I'd loathe myself if that happens], Avila Beach hotels are fully booked... not sure about other places, I have reasons for those places to both attract and repel me at the same time)
I know this phase shall pass, but I feel the pressure to let this phase pass ASAP, which won't help and probably will end up deteriorating the situation.
Plus, I have come off very needy to whoever that would make me feel better for last several days - without concerns for them.
Those were such stupid deeds. I should not have done that, but at those moments, I was so desperate in mitigating the negative energy in me and could not care.
Sigh.
So I tell myself again: this phase shall pass.
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PS: I just thought the image attached describes my current situation nicely. I respect their music, but not a huge fan of Pink Floyd.
